Shark deterrent companies have it all wrong
This author thinks the brilliant minds working on shark deterrence could use their energy elsewhere. Photo: Screenshot/Ted
Sharks are not a threat to humans. Do shark attacks happen? Sure – there were 73 unprovoked shark attacks in 2021, nine of which were fatal. However, considering the number of millions of people frolicking in the warm summer waters of the ocean, this seems like a sure shot. More people die each year from goose-related incidents than from shark attacks. That last sentence is completely wrong – but you believed it 100% because geese are notorious assholes. If sharks possessed even a quarter of the vicious wrath of geese, Sharknado would be a documentary, not a cheesy sci-fi movie.
What I mean here is that attacks are rare and sharks are not a problem. Accidents happen – pianos fall on people, bears steal your picnic basket, and sharks, on the rare occasion, get pissed off that you’re using their house as a bathtub.
But that hasn’t stopped a handful of shark deterrent companies from springing up, aiming to take your money in exchange for a sense of safety in the ocean. The technology itself is suspect – despite a lot of scientific research and Australian government support — and feels a bit snake-fat. There are anklets with powerful magnets, tail guards that create an electronic “shark shield” around you, and you can even dress up as Fruit Stripe Zebra to confuse the shark. You would think that if these things really worked, all of Florida would have embraced them by now. Also, if all we’ve learned from this extensive research is that sharks are disturbed at the sight of a zebra, then let’s just say I have my doubts.
Either way, these companies have provided a murky solution to a statistically minor problem in the surfing community, feasting on more paranoia than fact.
But they could do something revolutionary.
All the components already exist and their ideas are in the right place, but focused on the wrong species. They could use their current resources and technology for something the surfing community really needs: a repellent for surfers.
Surfing’s biggest problem isn’t sharks or stand-up paddleboards or one if its biggest brands are doing a bizarre collab with Brett Favre’s favorite Walmart jeans; The biggest problem in surfing is other surfers.
Many breaks are now clogged with both angry and oblivious surfers, so there’s no shortage of rage-inducing events. It’s really nothing new, there are just more people in the water now thanks to the Covid Surf Boom of 2020. But what better way to solve this problem than by creating a scientifically proven way to safely repel all other surfers in your general vicinity?
I would never buy shark repellent. But a deterrent for surfers? Shit yeah. My wallet is WIDE OPEN. Take all my money. I don’t care how much it costs or how stupid I look – you could dress me like a kangaroo going to a quinceañera if that meant no one would surf near me. I would also buy several anti surfer anklets and cover each calf with them. No surfer could touch me – literally, because of my gigantic magnetic barrier or my oversized frilly dress. I’d go into massive debt AND look insanely stupid if it meant this bouncy princess was guaranteed to make waves for herself.
I have already taken out a loan in anticipation of the realization of this idea. Not because I want to invest in this fictitious company – but because I want to buy all of their products for my personal use in order to dominate the Southern California wave that I will like. Lower Trestles for me alone? Don’t mind if I do, suckers.
Why isn’t that already a thing? It’s so lucrative. It’s so revolutionary. It’s the perfect solution to a modern problem. Call it something aggressively dumb like SURFER SHIELD and win billions of dollars. I would never take it off.
But then my leg would definitely be bitten by a shark because I would be the only one left in the ocean. Karma, man.
Editor’s note: Jason Nauman, a San Diego-based scribe, explores the lighter side of surf culture to Inertia.